So I'm on the phone with Literary McAgent Jr., Confused McManager, and the star of our show, Mumbles McReality. Our assignment: Try and figure out how to squeeze a 60,000-word memoir out of Mumbles in four weeks. But first, I have to slap together an outline for Frustrated McEditor over at Mega Books.
Me: So, Mumbles, do you have any good anecdotes from the set of "The Reality Show Of Shows"?
Mumbles: Mgrmpr tppsqvs rbbtztv.
Confused: She says she'll think about it.
Me: Because I have to make a list of them. Kind of fast.
Mumbles: Rgrgpllsff mrgtwwp.
Confused: Not a problem.
Literary: Don't sweat it, babe. Confused, remember that convo we had last week? Mumbles was on fire. Anecdotes out the ying-yang.
Confused: Right. On fire.
Me: Um, so Literary, or Confused, might either of you remember any of them? I don't need the actual anecdote right now. Just a one-sentence description.
Confused and Literary (simultaneously): Blrggrfzzltwrp Mpxddlr.
Me: Yeah, I don't want to be a pain, but Frustrated asked us to have a little something by the end of the day.
Literary: Guys, don't worry about it. Confused, you have Ghosty's email address, right?
Confused: I think so.
Literary: Great, send him a note and schedule the interview sessions. Ghosty, I'll call you in a minute.
Twenty minutes later...
Literary: Don't sweat it, babe. Just make up some shit about the show. As long as you turn the book in on time, Frustrated won't care what's in the goddamn the outline.
Me: (Not wanted to admit I haven't watched "The Reality Show Of Shows"): What's your favorite part of Mumbles' program?
Literary: Come on, babe, the whole thing's good.
Me: But what part do you think a viewer would want to read about?
Literary: What part do you think a viewer would want to read about?
Me (what I wanted to say): You haven't watched the goddamn thing either, have you?
Me (what I did say): Let me go to the blogs.
Literary: This is why I love you, babe.
So I went to the blogs, discerned what kind of secrets the show's rabid fans have been trying to uncover for the past four seasons, and slapped together a fake outline filled with promises of juicy backstage morsels. To his credit, Frustrated McEditor knew it was a steaming pile of poop, but also to his credit, he didn't want to slow down the impending train wreck -- remember, we only had four weeks to get this thing done -- so he emailed me a note: "Can't wait to see what you come up with!!!"
Yeah, me neither.
Next: In which, the day before we're scheduled to start out interviews, Mumbles decides to head East. As in the Far East.
No comments:
Post a Comment